


Not Today

by Trexi



Series: Destiny is Optional [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Gen, Post-Episode: s05e05 The Disir, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 07:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15067838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trexi/pseuds/Trexi
Summary: “Gaius, whatever you do, don’t tell Arthur that I’m in the tavern,” I say.Gaius looks surprised at my low tone. “Where are you going?”“The tavern.”





	Not Today

“Gaius, whatever you do, don’t tell Arthur that I’m in the tavern,” I say.

Gaius looks surprised at my low tone. “Where are you going?”

“The tavern.”

I leave before he raises his eyebrow. I’m in the Rising Sun for barely an hour when Arthur arrives. I roll my eyes and cradle my tankard of mead.

He slides into the chair across from me and simply watches.

I sigh. “What do you want?”

He flinches at the tone. “Gaius was worried.”

“Gaius shouldn’t have told you.”

“I’m the king.”

“So?”

“So I shouldn’t have to go to the tavern to find my manservant.”

“Then leave.”

Any trace of amusement he had is gone. “Excuse me?”

“You dismissed me for the night, _sire_. You’ve no business with what I do in my free time. If you don’t want to be here, then just leave. Nobody’s stopping you.”

“I won’t let my friend become an alcoholic. I’ve already got one who spends far too much time here.”

I scoff. “If we were really friends, then you would’ve realised by now that this is the first time Gaius has ever told the truth about me being here. You wouldn’t keep calling me an idiot and useless even when I’m a trained physician and write all of your speeches.”

“Merlin, what happened?”

There can be no place for magic in Camelot. There is no place for me, the real me, in Camelot. I can’t say that. I can’t say why I lied to him, why I couldn’t let Mordred live.

“You either wouldn’t care or wouldn’t believe me. So why don’t you go back to your castle and forget all of this by tomorrow?”

Arthur scowls. “Despite what your drunken mind might think, you are my closest friend and I do want to know what’s troubling you.”

I slam my tankard down. “I failed. I failed Lancelot and Will. I failed Morgana, Gaius, Freya, Morgana again, all of Camelot and my father. I failed Taliesin and Iseldir. I failed Lancelot again, Uther, the knights, and Lancelot one last time. I failed Aithusa, didn’t even realise she’d gone missing. I failed you so many times, I’ve lost track. And now, after everything I’ve sacrificed for it, now I’ve failed my destiny and everyone I ever told that it’d come true. Tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll face that and whatever you want. I’ll face the stocks, the dungeons, banishment, even the pyre. Not today. Today, I don’t want to be Merlin. I don’t want any of this. I thought I did, a decade ago when this all started, but now, now I wish someone else made all those decisions because I was never worthy.”

I could wipe that look of pity off his face with one sentence. Two words. I’m Dragoon. I wouldn’t have to say much more than that. But I’d dig the hole. I turned Morgana against us. I released the Great Dragon. I’m Balinor’s son and the last dragonlord. I let the Great Dragon go instead of killing him. I hatched the white dragon that attacked us. I knew about Morgana’s and Agravaine’s treachery and had proof, but I didn’t want to expose my secret.

I’ve already made sure that magic will never be legal in Camelot. How could I possibly mess destiny up any more?

Arthur takes my tankard from me. He frowns. “This is full.”

I laugh. “Ten years and you still haven’t realised. I don’t drink.”

Not even today.

Arthur’s pity turns to serious concern. “Why are you like this then?”

“I already told you, Arthur. It’s not my fault that you never listen.”

A monster that can’t be defeated without magic, a dragon that can’t be killed by any except a dragonlord, and countless times that both of us have come back from normally mortal wounds, if Arthur used his head for once in his life, I’d never have been able to keep anything secret.

“You’re never going to tell me, are you?”

I slide my chair out. “You’ll forget about this within a week and everything will go back to normal. That’s how this always works.”

“But you won’t be the same, even though you’ll act like it.”

“I’m never the same Arthur, but you’re the king. It’s not your job to notice. You’ve got to focus on doing the best for your people.” I smile. “And even if I serve you ‘til the day I die, I was never one of your people. Tomorrow, I’ll be okay with that again. Today, I’d rather forget.”

Arthur doesn’t follow me out. Good. Tomorrow, we can go back. Or at least, I can act like it and he can forget. He never listens and I talk all the time, but never say a thing. There’s a funny thing about coins. They never see their other side. And I’ve made sure he never will.

**Author's Note:**

> While this is canon compliant, I was thinking of making a multi-chapter aftermath that wouldn't be. I'd probably make it a series and have this as the first part.


End file.
